As I was talking to her last night and through the morning time, I was a lot hurt. I can’t say how much was I hurt and all started when I was not able to meet her last night due to our miscommunication. Well the fault was totally mine as I was just pulling her leg and we had to end the call abruptly due to some work related issue at her end. Later when we again spoke and this time she disconnected due to some issue at her end again telling me that I was not to sleep as she would call me in some time. Well I was awake through the night and I didn’t sleep for she would be calling me back, but the call didn’t come in till late in the morning.
We spoke again and I was a li’l harsh and rude, may be because I was hurt. Last night also I had been a li’l rude to hurt her and be the cause of her shedding tears, and this morning also the same thing. Well I hurt her deeply that she wept. I didn’t have any intentions but still somehow it flew. May be I am in a real grim state of mind and that I am not that good / avid at expressing myself in spoken words. May be I take time to speak out and I take time to say things. But that is something that I need to work on, I don’t know why it has been always like that? Why am not able to express myself in words and the way I want to? Why does my voice go dry and why do people get a feeling that I am harsh, when I don’t want to hurt them.
Just when I was thinking on things, I recollected telling her to listen to her patiently and her reply left me aghast. She thinks I don’t love her and she thinks I want her to go. But I don’t want her to go, I want her to stay, but don’t know how do I express it to her. I love her so much but can’t express my love for her, is it because of my bad experiences in the past? Or is it something inherently lacking in me?
Or is it the fear of losing once again to the hands of Destiny? I am startled and I am indecisive to identify the way forward and the path forward.
But I love her is the truth, and I LOVE her to the CORE of my HEART…..But how do I convey that to her?
Dear Diary, I am telling you call that so that someday if she meets you and comes on this page, she would come to know how much I LOVE HER and how much I miss her.
I guess patience is something that I need to develop and patience is something that I need to work on till she reads this.